The Vending Machine

I was watching an episode of the Simpsons yesterday afternoon when I was reminded about something absolutely hilarious that happened to me and one of the vending machines at the radio station. I don't remember the specifics of that day, but what I do remember was I was hungry and being that it was a few days before payday I was hurting for whatever spare change I had. I still had 5 hours to go before heading home and I didn't take a sandwich to hold me over. In desperation, I rummaged thru the Cavalier for some change, and wound up with barely $.60 cents.

So. Here I am with $.60 cents and two vending machines to choose from in the building. The closest machine to my studio (and the car) is the one I chose. Remembering their ad campaign of the early 1990's, I figured that Snickers would satisfy my hunger pangs and keep me from gnawing on the office furniture long enough to go home and rummage thru the cupboards. I placed most of the money in the machine, I remember it wasn't accepting the dimes all that well, so eventually, it took all the change. I selected the Snickers & watched as it jammed itself from falling to my hungry hands.

I stared at the candy bar for about ten seconds before I started to scream at the top of my lungs. It's about at this point in the story I should stop and preach about vending machine safety & serious & deadly injury that could occur if in the same situation. Out of anger, serious hunger & frustration, I grabbed the top of the machine and started to violently shake the bastard for all it was worth. I was in no danger of having the machine tip over, the walls were too close together to warrant concern that the machines were gonna come end my hungry life, so I shook that machine like a pit-bull with a 4 year old in its mouth!

Well, in my maelstrom of blind anger, I didn't notice how violently I shook the machine until it rocked backwards and left a pretty hefty indentation in the drywall behind it before R2D2-ing to a halt. At the split second the machine shuddered to a stop, I witnessed the first 3 items from each row on the machine leap from their place and fall forward into the pickup bin, including my Snickers bar. Now, I have just made a machine that weighs a little less than a half ton rock back and forth in place and made a vicious ruckus that was heard all the way to the other end of the building and literally vomit at least three of every item it had to vend.

I fell to the floor and started to laugh my head off. Damn, as I type this I am laughing my ass off, and its been a few years since it happened! I looked at the door to pick up the items and saw a mountain of snacks blocking the door from opening. I could hardly see straight, I had tears in my eyes from the laughter, and it was because of the combination of laughter and half-ton jamboree that one of my co-workers comes in and sees me on the floor surrounded by a mountain of vending machine snacks. She starts busting out laughing and shows me that the indentation I did to the wall affected her office wall (which was directly behind the machine) and knocked off every picture, CD rack & placed a hairline crack in the drywall.

After laughing my ass off, I regained enough composure to gather all the loot, laugh some more, and started to hand out the stash to people from the building. As I made my rounds and explained thru broken speech interrupted by laughing fits what the horrendous noise was, I felt better knowing that my selfish act of rage at least brought a smile to the faces of my co-workers and also dispersed my loot. As it was, I went home with 8 or 10 grab-bag sized Dorrito's, some Milky-Way bars & cupcakes galore.

I don't know why I am starting to come forward with these confessions.

If it's not one thing, its another

You might remember a few months ago I was slightly irate about the choice of toiletries given to us in the men's room. Our toilet paper would either dole out 2 squares and tear off because of such a good serration job done by the overworked & underpaid 3rd world workforce manufacturing our quality product that is always manufactured slightly larger than the dispenser opening so that the roll is impossible to turn without shredding your hand from trying to grasp at the roll & turn from behind the plastic partition OR would unravel all over the floor because the same overworked & underpaid 3rd world workforce didn't even BOTHER to serrate the tissues apart.

Well, I think they finally purchased a few hundred rolls of the quality sandpaper tissue that we all know oh so well, but now are letting the air conditioning here in the building lax because of several reasons.

A few weeks ago, I approached the Station Manager and asked if it was possible to do something about the lack of AC coolness at 5am when I start work. The ambient temperature of the parking lot matches the indoor temperature & thermometer in the building. I was told that because the people on my side of the building "keep changing the temperature to extremes", the ability to change the AC settings were going to be revoked from our digression. So it happened. Damn it was fucking hot for most of my shift until around 11am the units kicked on. Of course, this is an hour before I leave to go home, so I get some cool air before hitting a hot car.

So, today - fed up with having to deal with the hot room temperature, I took one of the small desk fans I had found at the house with me to work. Wouldn't you know the AC units are finally working?

I actually hate to say "what's next?" but I just did.

Sloth & Leisure

Yesterday was pretty damn good, got the new plates for the Neon from the dealer & for the first time in a really long time, I took my car thru a carwash. I couldn't take any of my previous convertibles thru one, mainly because the high pressure "Touchless" carwashers forced water thru the weather strip cracks & in one instance, soaked my parents who borrowed my car - I remember getting the phone call immediately afterwards.

The other style of carwash (with rollers & strips of soapy terry cloth) was too violent for a convertible top to withstand (the Mustang's previous owner drove it thru and bent one of the support bows in the top) so when I bought the car, I realized that I was going to finally be able (since the Cavalier) to run it thru the carwash. It was so sweet. Got it washed, waxed & looks - well, good as new!

Then, yesterday the water level in the AC dropped, and the house started to heat like a convection oven set to 'Discomfort'. So, remembering the Christmas present I bought for my parents last year, I pulled out the foot spa and threw in a pitcher of water, ice & water softener and just turned it on and let it all soak. Oh, how sweet that little foot spa is. I just set it at the foot of my bed, lie down, then turned it on & was in absolute heaven.

I'd have taken pictures, but the camera's batteries are dead. I really should invest in some rechargables...

Start Me Up

It had always been something festering in the back of my mind to open up a business of my own & become a small town success. Evelyn & Yolie had always wanted to open up a small coffee house either in South Texas or out in Chicago. I would love to open one out in Chicago, seeing that there is a larger population to justify taking the risk more than there is in South Texas.

The three of us would spend hours sitting back, often drinking coffee from our favorite coffee house in my car daydreaming about how nice it would be to open our own place. I think we were more enchanted with the aroma of coffee than anything, but the more we thought of it, the more we realized we could feasibly open our own shop. Thinking about everything from the name, to the booths, to little crap we could sell along with the coffees.

Who knows, anything can happen. This is America, after all.

STRANGE FINDINGS FROM THE INTERNET LXVI

*These are the answers to questions no one asked...*

We have always heard the world will end. Here's a timeline.

It is impossible to fold a piece of paper (regardless of size) more than 11 times. That apparently hasn't stopped people from making money off of it. What prize do you win for getting it folded 12 times? Would anyone really care?

You will know when you are in a workplace that will never win any awards for "Greatest Inventive Product" for improving the everyday drudgery that envelops everyday life when you have boss' who condone massive Post-It note mosaics of the King of Rock & Roll. I hate to see what their petty cash box looks like after a montage of Marilyn Monroe a-la Andy Warhol...

I love the smell of Snapple on a hot day. It smells like defeat!. File this under the "So close, yet so far" department. Maybe some weather forecasts & friendlier staff could have helped.

Now, I must warn you. The two links provided HERE and HERE are lengthy, disturbing, funny and extremely gross. The provided links are two versions of the same story written by the same author about a roommate he lived with for some time. The last thing I want are all of you people sending me hate mail for grossing you out - but for some reason I am expecting it.